A Mechanic's Tale
by Shirley Medici
Summary: Dive in the precocious Shirley Medici's spunky point of view as she hammers and fix her way to an alternative Nobunaga the Fool universe where everything takes a massive twist with Fate's mysterious screwdriver. (Hiatus for now!)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Mechanic Shirley**

I tied my blond hair to a ponytail as I slid on my loose black overalls. I hurriedly brushed my teeth and raced towards our huge workshop. Much work has to be done, so little time.

It was another exciting day for learning.

My name is Shirley Medici, a sixteen year old tomboy working as Master da Vinci's assistant. Although I'm not quite as good as my mentor, I'm not leaning on the worst noob category yet. My father owned a great debt to the artist, and as a way of paying.

HE SOLD ME TO HIM. HE SOLD HIS ONLY DAUGHTER TO A WEIRDO!

As I can remember vaguely, I was tending our weed infested garden when my sourpuss of a father called me in for dinner. There he explained in a rather comical way that I should pack my things and leave before twilight to the great inventor's house or he'll kick my ass out literally.

I can feel his great fatherly love touch my soul.

To show my heartfelt appreciation I showered him with a multitude of swearing and bad fingers, spouting them faster than lightning. And to complete the finale I gave a whiny teenage tantrum, stomped my way to my room and shut it tight with a bang.

I've done the details right.

Alone in the empty corners of my room, I broke down and cried without stopping to breathe. I was going to miss our garden, our fat dog, and our thin pigs wallowing in their own shit. I began to pity myself greatly like some push-over heroine on a fairy tale. But then I thought: If da Vinci is a rich weird dork I might just mooch myself to his bucks, nab his bank and run away laughing. Realizing my once in a lifetime chance I dried my tears and emptied my tiny wardrobe while humming a cheerful tune.

Using his creaky wagon, father drove me to da Vinci's manor established beside the shoreline. As soon as I climbed out of the vehicle, he cracked the reigns and left me biting the tumbleweed. Over a distance I can hear him say "Good riddance!"

"I hope you get eaten by a kraken!" I screamed back with traces of longing in my voice.

The sky suddenly turned grey and thunderclouds rumbled. A giant red tentacle with numerous suction cups popped out of the seawater and crushed the wagon in three pieces. The arm then searched among the wooden ruins and grabbed something squirmy in its airtight grasp. The kraken then dragged his worthy prey down his watery realm.

The sky cleared up again.

Time to get a move on, nothing interesting happened.

The manor was huge, my jaw dropped to the ground and I had to pick it up again before I went inside.

I entered his service as a maid but I soon won the heart of the artist, but not in the romantic sense. He had a workshop underneath his colossal home where he designed and build war armours for nobles. I accidentally stumbled upon it as I pulled a particular book from the library's twenty-third bookcase. The shelf pulled back and revealed a spiral staircase which led to the secret lab.

My life was about to undergo a major change.

I saw Master da Vinci pondering in deep thought. He was apparently fixing a strange apparatus from a giant white robot which he called Quo Vadis. Then he started rambling strange scientific gibberish about the robot's mechanical horse failing to operate.

The blue haired inventor kicked the machine in a fury and left.

After making sure he was gone, I tiptoed to the broken contraption and inspected it carefully. It was a wonderful machine that resembled a horse, albeit a futuristic one. I opened it up and saw the all the wrongs. There were a couple of unfastened screws and wires that got stuck and loose, etc.

Talking like an expert.

Grabbing a nearby screwdriver, I fixed it without mechanical knowledge.

I just said to myself. "Just scram if it explodes."

When all was done I screwed the machine shut and switched on its circular green button. The colossal metallic horse levitated in the air.

It worked!

I heard clapping from behind.

It was from Master da Vinci.

He shook my grease covered hand in congratulations and offered me to be his apprentice.

And that my friend is the story of how a seal developed flippers. The End.

* * *

I smiled as I reviewed a complex blueprint while nipping the back if my pencil.

"Someone's feeling rather cheerful today." Master said, munching a bit of day old French toast. "Do you want to draw a card?"

He was going to perform the magic bogus that fails every time. He rapidly flexed his left hand and a bunch of cards appeared. "Choose one."

I noticed a small box underneath his puffy dark yellow sleeve. "You're playing tricks on me." I pouted. "I can see a box there."

"What box?" He laughed as he shook his arm in an effort to hide it. Smooth recovery technique 101.

As he tried to conceal the evidence, a brightly painted case fell on the floor. It had a TAROT CARDS FOR DUMMIES metallic print on its cover.

"Mon signor has been eating spoiled food lately." I commented nonchalantly. I have a theory that the spoils are going in his head. "I can cook, ya know."

"That was a trick!" He kicked the box away. "What's that in your ear?" Master reached over my ear to reveal a tarot card 'hiding inside'.

"I just cleaned my ears today. No cards in it."

"You haven't cleaned enough my dear!"

I stuck my index finger inside the auditory canal and showed the results to him. No earwax. "Squeaky Clean."

Master smiled and scratched his blue hair and some white stuff fell. He hasn't had a proper bath for days. "Would you like me to translate that?"

The enthusiastic artist revealed the card, the tower. The card held a macabre image of a blond couple falling off a burning tower struck by lightning. "I see an explosive transformation, a realization of truth!" He narrated in a powerful voice while reading a manual. "Crisis and Awakening!"

I was dumbfounded. I'm just a hillbilly content with them tools and nuts. "Can I use that to buy dinner?"

"Oh I almost forgot!" Master da Vinci face-palmed, a sly look sketched upon on his bearded face. "Can you run to the local blacksmith for some nuts and bolts? Add a transmitter too while you're at it."

"Yes Boss." I tipped off the corner of my bullcap.

Before I left he gave me about a thousand bling which I hurriedly stuffed in my overall's pocket. For the first time it felt heavy.

Damn, I feel rich.

* * *

"Thanks Uncle Blacksmith!" I beamed happily as I said goodbye. The kind guy gave me a new shiny wrench for free.

He stopped his iron-smelting and waved at me. "Be a good girl now Shirley and don't go talking to strangers!"

"I will!"

I raced across the busy market streets in a jiffy and almost got run over by horse drawn carriages a few dozen times.

All for the sake of my favourite afternoon show. It was a slapstick comedy where clumsy clowns get to do all sorts of crazy pranks.

I dodged a passing watermelon cart and accidentally bumped into somebody, spilling the gunk all over the person in the process.

The person's white Victorian uniform got covered in black oily grease.

Uh oh.

Fuck.

A guard yelled and pushed me towards the muddy streets. I lost balance and landed on my butt. I scrambled to get up but I humiliatingly slipped and fell again, much to the guards' amusement. Damn it I want to give those jeering tin cans the beating of their lifetime. I was going to do all that.

But I sprained my buttocks.

"Leave her alone." A low, smoky voice commanded.

"But general!" One of the knights reasoned out. "The peasant ruined your clothing!"

"Can't you see you have insulted the lady?" The nobleman lectured angrily. "As knights we should always protect and respect women. Be gone before I strip you of your knighthood!"

The guards mumbled a few things among themselves and left one by one.

"What's wrong now cowards!?" I jeered back. Shit, sweet taste of revenge. "Running away because ya' got scolded like schoolboys?! Well I'm not finished with ya'll motherfuckers yet!"

"Are you hurt?" He held out his gloved hand. I took it.

He helped me pick the tools up, further dirtying his uniform. I shyly muttered a few words of thanks and cast the dirt off my clothing. I looked over at my saviour. He had beautiful snowy hair, pale skin and serious steely blue eyes. An ornamented ivory mask covered his left face, giving him a Phantom of the Opera look.

"I must apologize for my knight's churl treatment."

"That's okay buddy." I replied casually.

"May I know your name?"

I can hear uncle's warning echoing inside my brain. Either that or I'm a schizophrenic. "I shouldn't be talking to strangers." I said aloud.

I clasped my mouth shut as soon the words spilled out. Damn it, I'm already talking to him for ten and a half minutes!

The aristocrat laughed. "You're one weird kid."

"I'm not a kid!" The oversized bullcap fell on my face, covering my eyes and nose. "I'm a teenager!"

"You're a weird teenager then." He concluded humorously.

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!" I repeated childishly. My eyes burned red from unshed tears. A masked man was teasing me and I need my mommy badly. Better yet I need my hammers and drills.

"Yes you are."

"NO I'M NOT!" I ran away like a crybaby kindergarten bullied by a senior. I kept running until I reached Master da Vinci's manor. It was almost night time; the sun was setting down the horizon, shading the clouds a dark orange.

I sat on the house's stairs to catch my racing breath. My heart pounded against my ribcage.

Once I calmed down I began to check my belongings. Everything was in place, the screws, the drills and the batteries.

Except for my new wrench!

I frantically emptied my shopping bags and pockets.

It wasn't there.

I wanted to go back to the market place to search but the image of the laughing stranger came across my mind. He might still be there, laughing.

"That cocky bastard!" I stomped my foot in anger. That hypocrite sermons about chivalry but he's no better than his underlings! "I hope he perishes!"

He called me weird!

Weird! I can't believe it!

Wait, he called me weird?

I blushed in realization that I made a total fool of myself. I can never show my face in public again. People will gossip about it and it'll spread across town. Then they'll call me Shirley Mcweird and have it engraved across my tombstone! My life is ruined. I hope he's happy!


	2. Chapter 2

_**Uh oh, poor Shirley ran into some 'snob' problems! Will she be able to get her life back or her overactive nuttiness gets her in trouble again… and again?**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own Nobunaga the Fool. If I did, well there will be changes, BIG changes. I might redo the whole thing and give it some logical sense.**_

* * *

 **Chapter 2: A Blonde Visitor**

I left my muddy shoes outside and slipped into my furry bunny slippers.

Maximum comfort activated.

The servants were busy preparing for a heart dinner. One of them was carrying a mouth-watering gravy smothered roast set upon a silver dish.

That seemed out of place.

Master was a strict vegetarian. He had a deep love for animals and felt it was a waste to kill something for his own pleasure. He would order cooks to ban meat in this household, forcibly turning everyone inside into vegans, including me.

I have a deep rooted hate for the leafy chunks of evil.

I swear I used to be a carnivore. Evolution gave us humans a full set of molars for meat-chewing. If you're not using them, it's better if you turned into a horse and eat grass.

Setting those little trivialities aside, I knew Master has a guest.

I went to the living room. Master was chatting with a blonde female bombshell wearing overly tight blue leather armour. I looked at our guest from head to toe. She was oozing with sexy all over. She got those big boobs, thin waist, unblemished white skin and best of all a beautiful face with sapphire eyes.

She's almost perfect! A voice inside me cried with jealousy.

Her presence makes me feel we ladies call 'appearance insecurities'. Sure I also have white skin and yellow hair but the boobs- I touched my trunk like chest.

Flat.

Zero, zilch, scorched, rolled up and tossed.

Master da Vinci stood up to introduce our stunning guest. "Ah Shirley this is Jeanne d' arc. I've met her on Doremy a few days ago." He gave a friendly glance at Jeanne. "This is Shirley Medici, my best assistant."

I gave her an awkward hi and quickly whispered on Master's ear. "Is Jeanne your wife? Why didn't you invite me at the wedding reception?"

"I'm not a dirty old man!" He said in a surprised manner.

"Is something the matter?" Jeanne asked, worried. That's the time I realized that her dress showed off her cleavage.

We both faced her and gave fake smiles. "All is well, Mrs da Vinci!" I concealed my exploding laughter.

Master pinched my earlobe sharply. "I told you I'm not a DOM."

"Yeah inserting your floppy disk on her-"

"I'm not interested in women." He cut me off in a whisper. "I'm gay."

"You're a homosexual?!" I gasped. "Where are you hiding Isaac Martinez?!"

"Who the heck is Isaac Martinez?" Master blurted out.

"Just a random guy I saw on television." I retorted smartly.

Master face-palmed. "Forget about it. Let me explain the situation."

Master then explained in a lengthy paragraph that the maiden here has some sort of prophetical power, a calling. She could hear angelic voices speak to her.

"Are you sure you're not into crack?" I said to Jeanne. "Ice can cause crazy hallucinations."

"No." Jeanne replied unwittingly. She didn't get the joke. "I get these visions randomly. The voices warn me about impending danger. The visions are precise- accurate. Every time I warn the villages about disasters they never believe me and accuse me as a demon."

"Ya' know I get these so called voices rattling in my head every now and then." I snorted. "Earlier I can hear uncle blacksmith's voice lecturing my noggin."

"I told you to stay away from the paint fumes." Master sighed.

"I can't find my gas mask!" I reasoned out. "And I can't let the work wait."

"I'm very sorry about Shirley." Master apologized to Jeanne sympathetically. "She talks to cactuses and plants when she's lonely."

"I only talk to them sometimes!" I corrected. "They respond too."

My blue haired master's monocle fell and the blonde prophetess gave me an awkward look. I shrugged. "What?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Missing**

Master explained the whole ideal the next morning with four jam-packed luggage full of clothes and books in hand. He said he was going with Jeanne to the Eastern Star to gather information and stuff. The latter had proclaimed the Saviour King was there and she had (highly compulsory, no buts or objections for answers) to find the guy and serve him. Master did not specify what kind of serving she meant.

So I thought. "Boom! Instah' sex slave."

Master was also bringing the experimental prototype along. I was the one who designed, painted and supervised its construction. If he sells it, I'll demand for my commission.

My teacher also gave me all the keys to his house. I was in charge until he came back from his 'business trip'.

Aka boy-hunting.

As soon as he left the manor I immediately phoned for a dozen bacon pizzas and double decked hamburgers. I then called all my friends for a massive sleepover. Party hard.

It's going to be salami wishes and gold swag dreams tonight.

The first few weeks turned out fine. I changed from disciplined assistant to YOLO partygoer to crazy YOLO party host to detained crazy partygoer that got caught jaywalking in broad daylight.

And back to disciplined assistant again. Good things never last.

I like to call it the short lived metamorphosis of the Shirley Medici species.

Orders were as hectic as usual. They provided me with a rushing stream of work and stress. New heat resistant models were in demand. Nobles were more than willing to shell millions for upper end customized mecha armour.

Without Master by my side to provide guidance I had to design them myself.

Soon my works got better. The court became do pleased with my models that King Arthur (I haven't met him in person yet) promoted me as the Court Inventor.

I was now in line with my Master.

But he will permanently be my master, my demented teacher and my bizarre friend and beloved father. And I invented him the perfect title of 'Madcap Master of the Court Inventor'.

I waited for master to go home. I waited and waited.

Waited and waited.

Winter came to cover the lush woodlands in her cruel snow. Spring chased her away with his warmth and joy. The March bunnies danced under the summer's dream. Fall painted the town with its multiple hues.

A year has passed and no sign of Master remerged.

It was as if he had disappeared like bubbles blown away by wind.

Worried I diligently visit the airports in dusky twilight wait for him there. In the afternoons I roamed about town to ask of his whereabouts.

Nobody could answer me.

One rainy day I finally got my answer.

A servant told me that a palace messenger visited the town and posted something on the town square's news board. Grabbing my coat I rushed to town to see the commotion. The townsfolk crowded upon the weathered board, gossiping and whispering. I pushed them aside rudely.

There was a wanted poster, with Master da Vinci's picture on it.

I took the public notice and read it. I could not believe it. Master stole an escape pod from the transport ship and flew towards the Eastern Star, bringing the prototype with him. Admiral Magellan was furious. Master had hacked and damaged the ship's system, disabling the tracking devices and missiles.

I wonder if the girl was at the bottom of this.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Sorry folks, been some time before updating. New college= mountains of requirements. Hope you enjoy this one, a labour of love with a sprinkle of futility.**_

 _ **Back to regular programming…**_

* * *

 **Chapter 4: Round Table Troubles**

I was sketching a new blueprint when someone knocked the door. When I opened the door, an unusual surprise was revealed.

Being da Vinci's apprentice, nothing is normal really.

There were a dozen trumpeters standing like statues. A luxurious carriage opened and out came a long red carpet and a well-dressed dude with a feathered hat came out with a scroll on hand. Trumpets blared noisily as he passed.

What the fuck?

"A pleasant morning to the beautiful-"The messenger looked at me from head to toe and wrinkled his pointy nose. He continued reading the lengthy parchment. "The betrayal of the former Court Inventor had caused all his properties to be transferred upon your name with or without his consent. This includes his status and responsibilities on the imperial court. You are highly required to meet the nobles today and discuss future development plans. Unfortunately the king is out and will be expecting you another time."

I yawned. "So?"

"So?" The messenger explained with contempt. "You drag your lazy ass to the carriage and meet up with the aristocrats _with_ _or_ _without_ _your_ _consent_."

"I'm ready. Let's get moving."

Wrinkles formed in his forehead. "You're going with that _horrid_ _mess_!"

I stared at my grime covered denim overalls. "What's wrong with this?"

"Everything is wrong with that! You need to change that to something clean and elegant." He flashed the invitation in a pissed manner. "This invitation was sealed with the king's seal, not some street ruffian! Try to use the word _proper_ for instance."

I shoved the paper to him. "They ask for Shirley Medici, Court Inventor and Master da Vinci's apprentice. The king did not ask for Shirley Medici's clothes!"

I climbed to the carriage and sat there stubbornly. "We're leaving. Climb in or walk your pretentious dick to the castle!"

"Nothing is normal in da Vinci's household!" The messenger howled to the scorching afternoon sun.

The carriage clip-clopped it's way over long, tedious miles. I helped myself to the sights and took pictures like a tourist. I was a foreigner on my own neighbourhood. If you wanted to get rid of me, just take me to the town square and leave.

You might find my dead body on the same spot.

We passed through deep, dark forests to sunny villages until we reached the bustling capital of Camelot in a matter of an hour minus the traffic and pee breaks.

The carriage made its way to a shimmering, golden highway. By highway I meant High Way. It was literally a floating road leading to a floating castle.

I shat bricks.

The castle defied Newton's laws in gravitational gigabytes.

He led me to a room with a singular round table with twelve thrones like seats. In statistics, three were empty and nine were occupied. A floating ornamented throne adorned with lion and eagle statues was at the centre, its occupant absent.

Talk about kingly punctuality.

The pompous messenger reminded me to bow down to the Round Table Brothers before leaving my side. Seeing no other table in the room I bowed to that.

Whoever thought of the name Round Table Brothers was a racist and a sexist. First of all there were two women in there so they should call it Round Table Siblings. Lastly only one of them was round and plump. Most of them were thin and lanky. Maybe the fat one ate all the food, I can safely conclude.

"Are you the second Court Inventor?" The dark, fat man with a bushy moustache asked. "You look more like a kitchen maid!"

The elegant snobs laughed very softly. I pity them. Maybe their tight expensive clothes hindered their breathing.

"Look Pork Chop." I addressed angrily. He gasped outrageously when he heard I called him 'pork chop'. "I'm the one and only second Court Inventor in this place." I snorted loudly. "Kitchen maid! You look like Mario to me!"

The fat chump crushed the wine glass in his hand. "Why you insufferable, little shrimp!" His clenched fist trembled. "When I get my hands on you- Oh you will regret the day you were even born!"

"I like birthdays." I replied coolly. I knew no one hated their birthdays. "I get cakes and balloons."

The fuming sucker rose from his seat. An orange ponytailed guy and a dude with a yellow mane held him back. He was two burst blood vessels away from a stroke.

"You're a natural." A pretty purpled haired lady remarked with a smile. Her left eye was hidden beneath her hair. "Tell me, what's your name?"

"My name is-"

A masked man cut my introduction off. "Why she's the Weird Teenager."

I blushed wildly from embarrassment. "That's not my-"My eyes narrowed on him. He seemed awfully familiar.

The white scumbag made eye contact. "Don't you remember me, weird teenager?"

"You're the guy who stole my wrench!" I cried. "Give it back you thief!"

"A thief?" A platinum haired woman wearing a flamboyant dress mockingly repeated. "Oh my, the great and mighty General Caesar stole candy from a baby!"

"I'm not a baby!" I contradicted immediately, no one cared. "I'm a teenager!"

I guess General Caesar and this mocking jay was not in good terms. He took the insult rather too personally and scowled at her. "Remember this Hannibal; a whore is a hundred times dirtier than a thief."

General Hannibal pounded the table, their empty wine glasses danced. "I can't wait the day when I'll rip your fingers off one by one!"

"Such is the language of a well-bred lady!" General Caesar jested.

"Wretched lout! I'll feed you to the rats then I'll use the crocodile shears upon you. Mark my words!"

Crocodile shears… that sounds like a good metal cutter. I'll ask it for a Christmas gift.

A pale blond guy with a large bruise on his face spoke dreamily. "Hannibal looks more beautiful when she's sadistic."

The guy had a sparkly wedding ring on his left hand. They must be newly-weds. He looked like a battered husband though.

At least he's happy for some weird reason I cannot comprehend.

I backed away slowly and exited before anyone catches me.

I'll come back when there's lesser weird shit.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Recruitment**

I sat on a marble bench outside, munching on French Macaroons some moron left on the fridge. I was feeling rather sentient. The servants were giving me the dirt eye and I missed my favourite show.

"What's the matter Shirley?" A pair of young voices said in perfect unison.

As if by magic, a pair of cute blond twins appeared at my side. They were dressed like royalty, laced and ruffled down to their shoelaces. I was somewhat intrigued by their peculiar haircut, which I mistook for yellow horns.

"I don't feel like I belonged here."

"We can fix that." The impish boy took my hat and he ran away with his sister. I chased them over long gardens and busy kitchens. When I managed to catch up with the annoying twins in the vast corridor lined with magnificent white pillars.

They disappeared like thin air!

I don't care what kind of David Copperfield alakazam they pulled off but they'll be mighty in trouble if I see them again. Why I'll give them a laced wedgie and hang their butts in the flagpole!

I picked my maltreated hat up and placed it back to my head where it rightfully belongs. Hearing approaching footsteps and voices I concealed myself behind an ornamented Greek column, eavesdropping like a dandy housewife researching for hot gossip.

"I will leave Quadrant 15 to you, Brutus." General Caesar ordered.

"As you wish." The green haired assistant bowed down and turned around to leave.

After making sure Brutus was completely gone, General Caesar called out. "I know you're hiding there."

I held my breath. I'm shit stupid if I went out. Damn, he'll cut my head off and roast it over slow fire.

Then he did something strange, something I couldn't put a wrench at. General Caesar unbuttoned his white uniform and revealed a lean stomach he had acquired through bloody exercise and dangerous diets.

Does he work in a gay bar?!

He removed his glove and ran his hand through his white, wavy hair. I shit you not; sparkles fluttered in the background. At the same time a bunch of roses mystically appeared in the setting and bloomed with even more glitter. I tried grabbing one of the floating twinkles for edibility testing but it disappeared in my hand. A large sweat drop hung over my head to extravagate my repulsion.

Super ineffective.

Ya' got nothing unless ya' got tits hun!

Defeated, he sighed in annoyance. "You can go out now; I can see your oversized cap poking out of a pillar."

A pair of tiny, invisible hands pushed my backside causing my accidental exposure. I tripped and landed on my hands. "Hey, watch it!" I screamed back to the nothingness behind me. The general looked at me with dismay and confusion.

That's it Shirley Medici, you're a total nutcase locked up in an asylum with a stripper of a roommate. I must really be a schizophrenic imagining a pair of imps terrorizing my poor soul. I know soon some whack-job, quack doctor would fry my brains and end my misery.

"I need a mechanic, a good one. I don't know what kind of enemy I might be facing." General Caesar explained while buttoning his shirt. "I can pay a hefty wage."

I walked away. I didn't care. I'm not a greedy person. "Keep your cash. I don't need it."

"I'm going to the Eastern Star." He said in a last resort to convince me. "The king has sent me to return Da Vinci to the West. Don't you want to see your mentor again?"

Hearing Master's name I bit my lip. I abruptly stopped and clenched my fist.

He won.

"You got your mechanic alright."


	6. Chapter 6

_P.S I got the inspiration by listening to Crazy in Love (Remix 2014) and a bit of Hellfire played in an infinite loop. I hope you like my **little** plot twist._

 ** _(Help me; I'm disabled by gouts of macabre laughter.)_**

* * *

 **Chapter 6: Lust at First Sight**

We travelled the Eastern land with the help of the ocean's disguise, plunging twenty thousand leagues beneath endless water. I peeked through a circular window to see the change of lush forestry to blue scenery.

There were tons of creepy fish with clear, soulless eyes that seem to see through my soul and undergarments. That enough triggered my desired annulment with hygiene. It helped the showers had two large windows that the prying fishes could use for perversion, in which some states call bestiality.

"Nell broke the telescope again!" Bianchi giggled loudly while tattle tailing on her sibling.

Nell made a face. "It wasn't me!"

I took my trusty toolbox and head over the damaged telescope. I now realized that the general also hired me as a babysitter. Screw you, stupid shady contract I signed on the spot.

"Stop messing around!" I snapped. "This is the twentieth time it broke today! Alright Zack and Cody who's the real crook? Ye better spill it out or I won't fix yer' choo-choo train."

They pointed to each other. It was useless. "He did!" Bianchi accused. "She really did it!" Nell blamed.

I sighed hopelessly and continued working. "This conversation is leading nowhere with two directions."

As I replaced the lens carefully General Caesar came barging into the room with some important news. Not only did the stove break again but we were underneath the Oda Castle's domain.

"Caesar did it!" The twins laughed and disappeared into the hallway.

The general looks at them fondly for a moment and resumes his mean business look. He took out a rolled parchment from his white vest and handed it to me.

It was another wanted poster with coffee stains. It had a picture of an ancient crooked nose bitch with cup F boobs. Looks like a witchy hag that roasts little Gretels.

"Do you know this woman?" General Caesar explained. "That heretic's name is Jeanne d'arc.

I scratched my head. The hag had the same name as the drug addict that Master introduced a year ago. But I remember her to be more of a porn star than a Halloween prop. "I recognize her boobs?"

"Close enough." The albino face-palmed in frustration. "My main mission is to capture this escapee and make her taste the fires of hell. She will pay for her sins."

I wiped the lens carefully with a clean cloth. "Go break a leg."

"Step aside." He grabbed the instrument from my grasp. "I'm doing enemy research."

"Oh no pedophile, I'm not done fixing it yet." I yanked it away from him.

Like any proper, newly hired employee, I wouldn't wave any white flags to my boss. Not now, not ever. We continued to do an aggressive metal tag of war. The telescope rotated counter clockwise and accidentally hit a wooden fishing boat, sinking Titanic in Oriental style. I finally gave way when he threatened my salary with a major cut.

"Go make yourself useful and hammer something!"

"Yes, your assness." I made a mock bow and stuck my tongue out when he wasn't looking. That arrogant son of a bitch, no court would convict me if I crack the shit out of him with my hammer and feed his mangled remains to the bugged eyed fishes. Gods help me. It won't be long before my anger blocks my conscience and I'll wake up with his brains on my bloody palms, surrounded by royal investigators.

"I heard that!" He retorted.

I rolled my eyes.

He adjusted the lens and took a long, analysing stare. 'What's this?" the general turned pale then blushed wildly.

"What's whut?"

"Such robust breasts… porcelain like skin and golden yellow hair." His clear blue eyes were inflamed by greedy lust. "What a beauty! A goddess descended from the heavens!"

I grabbed the telescope and took a quick peek. I saw a blonde concealing her bulging breasts with a roll of white bandages in an Eastern themed room. "Sweet Odin's cinnamon sticks! That's Jeanne!"

"Interesting…" He rashly took it away from me again and zoomed a 1000% closer. And a thousandth zoom meant skin exposing, cleavage showing clarity paparazzi's use to stalk celebrities.

EWW HE'S A PERVERT!

I don't feel safe in the showers anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

**_I want to apologize to all CaesarxIchihime fans especially to my friends who tortured my phone's inbox with hate messages early in the morning. Also to my sister Aubrey, for berserking on our living room armed with a broom to smack my neurons (after reading chapter 6), and accidentally hitting mom on her butt._ **

**_I dedicate this chapter to my beloved sister. May you serve your two weeks' worth of 'grounded' sentence in peace._**

* * *

 **Chapter 7: Chase!**

No one saw the albino general after that evening or the next. He spent two days locked up in his room, alone and very quiet. I was curious at his profound tolerance for food and fresh air. By my standards, a normal human stomach rumbles after two hours and 48 hours is well… 48 hours of hunger. Still no one gave a fuck so I opened up the topic to the jolly crew.

On the worst case scenario, the general might have died right under our noses.

The privates just shrugged it off with a 'he needs a little alone time' cliché or the 'nostalgic sentiments' statement. The twins suggested he was 'jerking off'. Brutus said Boss was fulfilling this so called 'male needs'.

Thunderstruck, I asked him about this 'male needs'.

Brutus looked at me with such wide eyes and questioned my learning ability. "Say, for example you see an incredibly attractive woman." He was treating me like a toddler and I hate every second of it. "Do I need to repeat myself?"

"I have ears." I grumbled. "And a fully functioning brain."

Brutus gave a little clap of bravado and patted my head. "That's a good girl!"

"I'm not a dog."

"Aww did little Shirley get mad." He pursed his lips and cooed. "I have a lollipop right here."

My fuse of patience short-circuited. I seized a nearby flamethrower and threatened him with it. "Don't use baby talk on me, Kelp boy!" I placed a finger on the trigger. "Tell me what I need to know! Use one more cutback shit and I'll roast your ass in front of these fucking hillbillies!"

"Wait!" Brutus cautioned.

"Wrong move." I pushed the trigger and flames went out. Brutus missed it by a mere centimetre's space and began running for his sweet life, screaming like a sissy. That's right, make fun of Shirley Medici and you're leaving with a hearse. I chased after him, setting things on fire.

I find that ironic. I mean, we're surrounded by water.

With the help of advanced technology, the fire dies out as soon as it lands on an object. I was the one who designed this innovation and have it patented immediately. (Actually 'design' is such a strong word. Let's say 'ripped off from Master's journal' to be more accurate.)

General Caesar went out of his room, his hair and uniform in bizarre disarray. Brutus hid behind his back with wild eyes and racing heartbeats.

"Nowadays I can't think of masturbation without remembering the peering fishes." General Caesar addressed to Brutus. "Are you having the same problem?"

"I think I have a phobia for women today." Brutus whimpered tearfully. "Especially blondes."

I arrived to the scene with my trusty flamethrower. "Where are you hiding, Kelp dick?! You can run but you can't hide! I will eradicate your bloodline from this world!"

I was greeted by General Caesar with a frown on his tired face, arms folded. Brutus was behind him, crying like a cow being butchered.

An awkward silence issued.

I flashed a phony grin and hid the deadly tool behind my back. "Shall we discuss about your war armour, Boss?" I said sweetly while giving Brutus a secretive, demonic leer.

General Caesar nodded seriously. "Meet me at my office sharply at 2:00. I'm going to take a shower first. And Brutus…" He gave a look at the fucked-up lieutenant. "Serve snacks and tea. Macaroons and pecans will be preferable."

Brutus crumpled to a dead faint.

* * *

I laid out Quo Vadis' blueprint on a long coffee table. I used a marker to pin point the new improvements. "I need to replace the mecha's motor. It's already five years old."

As I continuously drabbled on about machinery, I eventually noticed that General Caesar wasn't paying attention to me. He was pensively sketching the girl's portrait.

In nude.

"What's this burning passion searing in my flesh?" He moaned as he stroked the drawing's shoulder bones. "I feel her, I see her. The eastern sun caught in her golden hair!"

"That's a side effect of cocaine." I remarked wisely.

The love stricken general buried his face with his gloved hands in shame. "Dearest Aphrodite you know I'm purer than the vulgar crowd. But why am I seeing her standing there, her eyes boring into my soul! Aphrodite shield me from this sin!"

What a weird reaction from a boner.

General Caesar angrily crumpled his cool drawing and shred it in pieces. "No, I must not fall for this devil's spawn!"

I laughed. Boss was a Bishop Frollo in training minus the DOM image. "You already did!"

"Yes, you're right." He regained his composure and smiled evilly. "I am her salvation! She will choose me or her pyre!"

Wow, that sounds like a good quote for a Valentine card printed in glittery pink inside a heart. "That's the spirit!"

"What's this background music?" He referred to Hellfire currently playing. "It strangely fits the situation. I love it!"

I turned the radio off. "I thought ye need a Broadway single. An evil laugh could give this a beautiful finale, just suggesting."

"Jeanne will be mine!" He gave a sexy evil laugh and I laughed too, for promotion purposes. If you can't beat them, join them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Call Me Maybe?**

* * *

General Caesar pointed to the distant Oda Castle and slowly crushed his hand pretending it was the castle instead of air. He was acting like the creepy stalker everybody knows and loves. "Jeanne, no stronghold will steal you away from my love. You will be mine and mine alone."

"Good luck Romeo." I crossed my arms and snorted. "Aren't you gonna plan a sneak attack or some devious scheme on your nefarious dirty mind? And this advice is coming from an ignorant plebeian."

"They will tremble before my full assault!" His determined voice shook with emotion.

"There's a very good reason why the wits are placed on the head." I commented nonchalantly. "Not on the testicles."

"Your argument is invalid." General Caesar replied, unshaken. "I get what I want. The world is mine."

Typical bratty six year old. I hope he perishes.

"Also…" He handed me a gold plated rifle loaded with silver bullets. "Shoot anything that moves or breathes." He smiled, acting cute. "But don't use that against me!"

One of these days, Caesar. One of these days.

* * *

I was ravaged by a dangerous disease called boredom. There was nothing else to do and I've run out of bullets. General Caesar gave me an important task to protect an enchanted swamp filled with cute little duckies. He also said I should find Shrek and Fiona, my long lost relatives.

General Caesar was definitely shrekking.

I yawned and checked the current battle with my binoculars.

He was getting owned by the Oda guys. At first he had a 'Warlock Assassin White House Mode' then the Powerpuff Boys came to kick his Mojo Jojo behind. Gosh, I want to buy a bucket of popcorn and laugh at his immense suffering like the bitch I am. Sadly if he wounds up butchered I won't be receiving my first pay check. No pay check= no popcorn. No Caesar= no one to annoy.

Damn you responsibilities, for foiling my day.

Because I'm the best bitch in town, I won't wait till he bleeds out semen. I have to find a way to rescue his dying ego and save the day.

Power Ranger of unstable footing, go, go, go!

I hitched a winghorse and galloped all the way to the barracks. Everything reeked of vodka and martini. Red plastic cups littered the floor and a disco ball bounced on the dance floor. Booze flowed like water and everyone was as high as hell.

The soldiers were celebrating the General's expected demise. I don't like Caesar that much, still this made me feel bad for him. He was all alone in the battlefield, bloody and broken, calling for help that never came.

I turned the sound system off, causing a scratching sound. "Guys, the Oda's are making Caesar salad?!"

A moment's silence echoed across the kaleidoscopic halls. They all laughed and chorused. "Long live the dead general!"

They're wasted. A drunken Brutus made a toast and said. "Come on girls we need to sing! Wooooohhh lalalalaa…!"

Gods, they'll wake the dead with their ear-damaging glee club singing Christmas carols on the month of June. It's like they broke free from the cages of manliness. Damn, I may be an identity-confused teenager but I got more brawn than them drunken pussies.

"You're ass wreaking gay."

"Aww is little Princess Shirley jealous?" Brutus grinned at me sheepishly. "Let you grow breasts with envy."

I opened a bottle of booze and drank it in one draught. That's the perks of being orphaned. No parental guidance ratings flashing at your face 24 hours a day. "Crack another flat chest punch line or any of that crap, and intestines will be shat. Ya got me?"

"I ain't afraid of some country, dick sucking lassie." He mimicked my country accent.

What in tarnation?! Brutus was drawing the line with the length of King Kong climbing the Empire State Building. He wants a beating? He'll get a Sandy Cheeks Texas BBQ sauce beating!

"YOU MOTHERFUCKING EXCUSE OF A MAN-WHORE I'LL COMPLETELY ERADICATE YOUR SHITTY BLOODLINE FROM THIS GODDAMNED UNIVERSE!" Davy Jones, I'm casually swearing like a sailor and I'm like only seventeen years old. With all my strength I rammed my knee to his pelvic regions. He screamed in pain and fell down.

His future descendants will feel the 9999 powered blow.

"EXCUSE ME!" I made my way to the hibernating war armours, the path unobstructed. The men, after seeing the lieutenant's crappy situation retreated to the corners of the room in fear of nut cracking.

I hurriedly hopped to a robot's cock pit. There was an elderly man inside, claiming to be the Colonel. He was as stubborn as an ingrown stuck on Goliath's feet. General Caesar might be stewed meat by now and I got no time to dilly dally politeness ass.

"This is my mecha armour!" He spoke in deep British accent. "You don't-"

"Blah blah blah." I cut him off.

"You don't have the authority to-"

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah." I went barbarian and pushed the old geezer out. Two heads are a bit too many this time. I pushed a button to close the pit, preventing the mad old tom from re-entering. "Sorry pops, time's a wasting."

In my career as a mechanic/inventor, it was only natural I learned the ability to control these gentle tin giants. I knew their system like the back of my hand. This babe may be a tad weaker than Caesar's toy; still this was better than doing a Leeroy Jenkins on a robot tournament.

My medical insurance can't cover skeleton replacements.

When my hands rested upon the lever, an unfamiliar phenomenon unfolded.

The mecha armour transformed, or should I say levelled up? Its yellowish paint turned into sheen black coat. The chunky metal hands disappeared, a bony one took place. The multi-eyed head slimmed down to a horned helmet, its eyes glowed an unearthly green. Contractible, hidden Porcupine's spikes grew from all corners of the body.

A metallic cape and an extremely sharp scythe added the final touches with perfection, a term Master da Vinci calls _Paradiso_.

Paradiso… the right word was Hell's Angel.

I flew off to the night skies faster than Vin Diesel racing on Sunday morning. The take-off impact blew the roof and the soldier's pants off. My dream of flying came true, I could touch the thin clouds making me realize they weren't candy like my fantasies showed me.

In no time I arrived to the fight scene. General Caesar's mecha was receiving a butt spanking from an old geezer's 1980's automaton, to whom I will call Oda Father from now on. This scene proved that no matter how old you are (General Caesar was 19); our asses are not safe from a good sound beating.

He should have grown a larger bottom, for protection purposes.

To end his agony, I crashed into the party. The Oda Father dropped General Caesar and backed a little to the left. "Whassup homie?" I asked as I helped him up, returning the favour on chapter one. "Shirley's in da house."

"What took you so long?" He gasped.

"Traffic?" I joked.

The Eastern soldiers lost their morale and ran for the hills screaming _shinigami_ , a Japanese word for death god. The youngest of the Oda family, the bowl haired Nobukatsu also chickened out and joined the sissy mercenaries.

Enraged, the Oda Father called out to his fleeting platoon. "We must not fear the barbarian and the death reaper. Stay and retain your dignity!"

They did stay put like the good pupils they were, to my disappointment. I gave them a big "Boo!" scare and said in a teeny tiny voice. "This is the part where you run away!"

And run away they did.

"Men, come back!" Oda Father screamed hoarsely. A series of hacking coughs followed.

My attention fell to him. I ran towards him with open arms and caught him in my snare of a hug. Time to bond with daddy, Olaf style. "I like warm hugs!" I said as I further crushed the automation with my unconcealed metal spikes. The robot squirmed futilely as liquid like blood oozed out from the innumerable holes. There was no use in shrugging death's cold embrace, my friend.

Of course I have to avoid the control area where Oda Father was staying. I don't have a license to kill, yet. Agencies said I have to be eighteen and above to get one.

I contracted the spikes and the hole-ridden automation peeled away like bad sunburn, staining my mecha armour with blood.

One down, two more to go.

My lock-on device focused on the fleeing Nobukatsu. In a brief lesson of Zeno's paradox, no matter how fast I am, I will never reach Nobukatsu who was a hundred miles ahead of me. "I need a spin." I said to Caesar.

"Careful." He replied. "You might get sick."

The general's automation, Quo Vadis grabbed the foot of my Hell's Angel and hurled me around in a Spinning Top of Destruction. It was like I was riding Kingda Ka a thousand times; my stomach felt an urge to curse. Visions of stars danced before my blurry vision as the speed increased to its climax. I was having a LSS on 'You Spin me Right Round'.

…And a brief memory of a shock site named 'meatspin'. Damn my retentive memory. I need holy water eye drops ASAP. People of the mystical world of Internet, I beg you: NEVER EVER SEARCH MEATSPIN IF YOU LOVE YOUR LIFE.

Finally General Caesar flung me to Nobukatsu's direction. I pressed a number of buttons to burn the ions in the atmosphere.

Turning me into a speeding bullet.

I was giving Zeno a matroshka of mindfucks. Achilles may not win against the 100 yard advanced turtle, but he forgot that a bullet with a speed of 1,126 per second can.

"I call this technique the Toss Caesar Salad Especiale!" I named my own move. It ain't awesome till it has its own name.

Nobukatsu heard me and stopped, turning his back to face me in one fatal moment. The time slowed down weirdly and we were able to look at each other while a somewhat irritatingly sweet music played on the background.

I gripped my sickle firmly and sliced through him as I sped by his side.

I landed on my feet picturesquely, posing for the camera. Behind me, the enemy mecha's upper half slid to the ground, its feet remained standing.

I crossed my to-humiliate-list on Oda Father and Nobukatsu. One target left: Oda Nobunaga.

I loathe attacking him. He was able to operate the War Armour I designed and beating him to coma will scar my precious baby. However, I work for Caesar now and losing meant no ka-ching.

No choice.

"Take his fucking head off." General Caesar messaged. "He is the one who holds my beloved captive."

"Captive?" I replied back. "Aren't you the stalker here?!"

"Am I interrupting something?" Nobunaga asked sceptically.

My attention shifted to our last enemy. I charged at Nobunaga with my scythe in hand. "Hahahaha! Taste my wrath-"

Nobunaga simply took a side step and I ended up crashing on Quo Vadis, making us bite the dust.

That was such an epic fail.

I got up and attacked him again. At first he had the upper hand but my rapid slashes put him on the defensive. I just have to wait till Caesar's bang spear recharges. Till then my goal is to distract our enemy.

"Taste my load Nobunaga!" General Caesar aimed his sword at us, unleashing a strong blast of holy power. I tumbled back to safety, leaving Nobunaga to his wrath.

You know what; General Caesar is a certified pervert. That move right there screams how perverted he was. The way he positioned his _long_ sword at his pelvic regions screams out sexual innuendo. And when he screamed 'taste my load!' even Nobunaga felt awkward as hell. I'm so physically ill right now.

Stupid, stupid symbolic meanings.

The power blast was so strong that it reduced the Fool's vitality to a slim 1%. One step closer to victory.

"Luck in battle is no ordinary luck. It also signifies how the experience of being in many battles can lead to victory. As such, my experiences of having endured countless battles will bless me with Fortuna, the true luck of battle." General Caesar was giving his victory speech in advance.

"Ahem." I coughed intentionally to let my employer know I was still alive.

"Special mention to Shirley." He sighed. "Happy now?"

"Truly." I said, contented. "You can do what you want."

"Well then." General Caesar lifted his sword high to stab Nobunaga. Weak from the attack, Nobunaga shielded himself with his arm. Limb versus sword? I'm placing my bet on the sword.

"Stop!" A half-naked Jeanne appeared, carrying a white flag. Fan service. She threw herself near Nobunaga in a sexy way, making Caesar's (and my) jaw drop to the floor. She clasped her hands in prayer and her regalia of purity glowed. "May heavens keep him safe!"

It was damned over. Once a lady oozing with sex appears, a game over was inevitable. Her prayer was wrong. It should have been: 'May heaven keep me safe from Caesar's deranged imagination!'.

A glowing spear of defence materialized in Nobunaga's hand. He deflected Caesar's charged blast and manoeuvred it right to the masked bastard's face at 3:00.

We lost. Conclusion: Boobs saved the day.

General Caesar smiled coolly, accepting defeat. He took out a scented card from his vest, kissed it and dropped it at Jeanne's feet. "Call me."

The countered explosion sent Quo Vadis flying like a NASA rocket. To infinity and beyond!

From my view I could see Jeanne's full cleavage. Steam blew from my ears and blood dropped from my nose. I pressed the self-destruct button which sent me following the General's direction. We disappeared to the night sky and a twinkle could be seen.

We're blasting off again!


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: Disguise**

General Caesar had his enormous villa built on top of a hill, with claustrophobic forests on its foot. He was really determined to avoid civilization, prior to his shame at being a loser.

"I made a wrong move." He ate a pecan brownie in a flash. "We need to find a powerful ally."

"K dot."

For a slim guy, he was able to wolf down five boxes of almond fudge in one sitting, without chewing or drinking (Or saving one for me, at least). I never saw anyone that greedy. Eat a dozen more and Mister Diabetes and his lovely wife Obese will pay a visit.

Since the duo would take too long to visit, I'd rather force those damned pastries into his voice box.

He stared at me pensively and tapped the mahogany table, making a monotonous sound. "Come over here for a moment."

I did what I was told.

"Do you like boobs?" He asked suddenly.

"I love them." I answered back with fiery determination. I clenched my fist for added effect.

"Good." General Caesar smirked evilly, his mask glowing with hate.

All of a sudden he unsheathed his long sword from the scabbard and advanced towards me. I took a precautionary step backward until my back touched the wall. Oh gods! He must have heard the wild ravings on my head!

"I taste bad! Rotten!" I said defensively. "My meat will crack your molars and make you impotent! Oh shit-"

He pulled my long blond tresses forcefully and hacked it directly with his sword. My dismembered locks accumulated on the floor in great heaps.

I fell on my knees before him and wept. A heinous crime against fashion was worse than torture and death multiplied to a thousand places. "You doofus! Now I can't show my face in public with this tasteless, dorky hairdo!"

"That's _my_ hairstyle!" General Caesar snapped angrily.

"You suck!" I gave him a bad finger. "I hate you! People will put me on a freak show!" I mimicked a ringmaster sarcastically. "Step right up and see Shirley Mcweird in the living flesh! She won't bite!"

He opened a cupboard and threw a stamped packet at me. I opened the dusty parcel and it revealed a tight military uniform and a greyish, ornamented mask Cat Woman threw on the garbage yesterday. "Did you buy this at the discount bin, ya cheap walrus?!"

"Quit your whining and wear it!"

I eyed him fiercely. "What if I don't want to?"

"Listen." He was controlling his temper. "If you don't want to receive _sepuku_ on your ass, act like a male this instant. We'll be meeting shady souls and if something happens unfavourably, hopefully they won't rape the shit out of you."

Wow, I was impressed, very impressed. He deserved a clap and a pat on the head. He did have a 0.000000001% concern for my wellbeing. I sense the growth of a strong friendship fortified by large doses of vitamin mockery. "Fine, I'll wear it."

I stripped my overalls dyed black due to weeks of dirt swimming and oil wrestling. I stopped midway when I noticed he was still looking at me. "Don't you want to turn around?" I hinted vaguely.

General Caesar reddened from shock and embarrassment. He turned his back against me. "Sorry."

"Pervert." I accused as I took my shirt off and squeezed into the stupid costume. There was no point in bandaging my chest. There was nothing worth hiding anyway. My appearance insecurities are brought to light, woe is me.

"No." He sighed.

"Pervert."

I couldn't reach the zipper on my back. I trashed futilely on the thing like a T-rex. That's why I hated fancy costumes. I wish someone would invent expensive clothing that felt good.

"Let me help you with that." He gently fastened the zipper to its stopper.

"Thanks pervert."

"Aren't you the pervert yourself?" General Caesar clarified. "You should have gone to another room to change instead of remaining here with me."

I was about to give a sarcastic comment when I realized he was right. "Pfft… You win this time smarty-pants."

He smiled somberly. "You remind me of my younger sister."

"Huh?"

He sat on a velvet sofa and bade me to sit beside him. "She was my half-sister. I was an illegitimate child from the recently deceased Duke of Rome. I didn't live my entire life on a palace. I used to stay in a little village called Doremy, making a living as a stable hand. My sister was the only person who was kind to me, save for a childhood sweetheart. My older brother and stepfather were pedophiles. They used to molest and rape us at every opportunity they could get."

"That's awful!" I gasped. "What happened to your sister?"

General Caesar wiped a tear from his right eye. "She died. Her death anniversary is today."

"Why?" That was the only word that spilled out of my mouth.

"She suffered from an infection. The medicines were too expensive, we were so poor… My father didn't do anything. My mother would, if she had lived." His voice began to tremble and break. "To save her, I entered the dirty world of prostitution. I had a great deal of customers, mostly wealthy cougars and dirty old men. When I returned to our hell of a neighbourhood, I learned that she had recently died without receiving any medication and my stepfather had used the money I earned for drugs. Anger clouded my vision and I killed him. I was sent to jail and my real father bailed me out. He took me in and acknowledged me as his son…"

General Caesar couldn't continue anymore and began to sob. I really felt sorry for him. That explained the albino's dick behaviour. If there was a time machine I would travel back in time to roast that douchebag of a stepfather, feed him to the lions and have him sodomized by a large angry man!

"My eyes are sweating funny!" I said as I tried to hug him. I was being over-emotional. "I need them' hugs!"

He pushed me away. "That's as far as you go, Shirley."


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the long hiatus. I've been very busy for awhile. I hope the other fanfictions update.**

* * *

 **Chapter 10: Legend of Buffalo Bill and the Boy with Boobs**

After making Boss shut the sentimental fuck up we went to meet a Kenshin guy (girl?) with neon purple hair and flip flops. I marched directly to Kenshin and asked why he wore a blue pencil skirt and why did he partnered his flip flops with socks. He laughed and said it was a kimono. He had a small resemblance with my father's mistress, except that her hair was brown and cut short to a bob. I further asked him if he ever went jazzy with daddy. He fell quiet. I kept pestering him about it until Boss interrupted, saying it was business time or whatever. So it was my turn to shut the sentimental fuck up.

For three long hours their conversation was mainly composed of plastic greetings, backstabbing stuff, business formalities and more backstabbing stuff.

"I'm bored." I mumbled loudly.

"Find a way to entertain yourself." General Caesar said without moving his lips. He prolly learned that trick when he was kindergarten and did a ninja fart sound to distract the torturer, I mean teacher.

My sleepy eyes wandered across the room in search for a victim to troll. My troll-scope focused on Kenshin. He immediately noticed my eagle-sharp gaze, blushed and automatically covered his chest like a moe high school girl going Rapey Ron on perverted senpai.

I swear I saw some boobs on that guy. It made me insecure. He's a guy yet nature blessed him with those soft, bouncing things. To test my hypothesis I sprang up to him yelling "bewbs!", pinned him to the ground and squeezed his chest mounds so hard that he cried. Roughly I estimated he was cup 36A. Not bad for a guy.

Man boobs.

What happened next was too fast and blurry for lengthy explanation. Kenshin was so aggro that his eyes turned red. He pushed me and my head hit the floor giving me them strangely visible orbiting stars in my head.

Allow me to explain the following events in numerical order with appropriate abbreviations:

1\. Boss and the shogun's vassals were gasping WTF.

2\. Beast Mode Kenshin yelled GTFO.

3\. Me and Boss were Okay Guy.

* * *

We swaggered to our next victim's crib. Farmville meets Transformers. I mean the guy's got a heifer's noggin for a roof! I didn't know there were giant buffaloes in the Jurassic age or Godzilla and King Kong had a baby. And technically speaking, I can't imagine a T-Rex having a wrestling contest with one.

"Caesar-dono why did you attack the Oda Clan?" The Shogun said.

"Customer service." Boss lied badly. "The Takeda Clan is an important business partner to our Star of the West."

It was down-right obvious that he was being a Twitter-whore-scam-fake for sales purposes. He was an ugly-hoe liaristocrat; a cross between Judas, Washington and Adam Smith stapling a mop in their douche scalp. Still it was better than rambling that he gave STD handouts to cougars.

"It's a service to arrive without introduction and attacking my archenemies by taking them unaware."

"Is it not your goal to strengthen your territory, amass wealth, win battles and gain dominion?" Caesar persuaded in a semi-desperate way. He was pushing himself to an unwilling person. It was so pitiful. "In exchange for your wealth, we sell you technology to help you fortify your military. It's-give-and-take. Mutual dependence, if you will."

"Yes, it's a complicated business. I see the abacus suits you more than the sword." Shingen grunted sullenly. "Unfortunately I am a stubborn man. I will not accept help from a guest in dealing with politics at home."

Caesar frowned, tasting rejection at its finest. He cast his gaze down and bit his lip. Sure he was a dick weed at times but the guy got it rough.

Damn I can hear Dr Seuss narrating _'Well, in Kai Province they say - that Shirley's small heart grew three sizes that day!' And then - the true meaning of sarcasm came through, and Shirley found the strength of *ten* Bitches, plus two!'_

Since the narrator made a clear hint for bloodshed, I guess I had no choice but to follow before an electric current zaps my brain to remind me this is a live game show or whatever cocky imaginings my paranoid mind cooks up with. Oh no, I might be going soft in the head but I'm going to bully that walking meat bag for hurting Boss!

Like when did I give a fuck to his feelings?

Curse you imaginary narrator for dictating our miserable lives!

"Look Buffalo Bill, we don't need your dimes!" I defended angrily.

"Yeah!" Caesar supported eagerly. "We don't-" Caesar blinked in surprise and pulled my collar to whisper in my ear. "Shirley! Do you even know what you are saying?!"

"I'm a lawyer with a degree in Cambridge." I tugged my sleeve away. I then gave him a wink and a thumbs-up. To prove my credibility I opened my card holder and showed him my black chrome business card.

"How on Earth did you earn a degree in Cambridge?!" He snapped.

"I bought one." I replied confidently like a genuine liarwyer. "Near Mcdonald's."

"I should have known…" He placed a gloved hand over his face.

He should place more faith in my abilities. After all I graduated in Bachelor of Science Repair Shop with flying honours. I'm a jack of all trades, a mechanic/lawyer/warrior all in one bundle!

To show him my skills I continued my con act. I stepped in front of Shingen and saw my next object of insult: his oversized pearl necklace. "Ya can shove those Ben Wa balls up to your loose ass!"

" _Ben Wa balls?!_ " Shingen thundered angrily as his face turned red with rage. "These are prayer beads!"

"I don't care what fancy-smancy name ye call to that rubbish!" "So ya'll gonna buy the knick-knacks or we're going to get rough?"

"Oh we're going to go rough alright!" Shingen cracked his knuckles and before we knew it, they threw us out in the typical alley dumpster completed with the yellow tramp cats. Shingen slammed the door behind us.

"Ya'll motherfuckers have an invitation from Satan!" I screamed back. It was pitch black for goodness sakes.

'Shirley…" a smoky voice said.

"Damn the sun's going on a vacation!" I felt for my surroundings. "Who put the lights out?! When I'll find them switches, I'm gonna give ye all a good ol' sound ass-whooping!"

"Shirley!"

"Fuck! I'm going blind! Help me I'm too young to die!"

Someone removed a slimy banana peel stuck on my face.

"You're overacting at 2pm! 2pm for godsakes!" General Caesar climbed out of the stinky dumpster. He took out a liter of rubbing alcohol from his stained white vest and proceeded to literally shower himself with it. "Cut your swearing too, no proper lady uses such rogue languages."

Wow, proper lady he said. Big word. "Would you like a censor on that?!" I grabbed a blurry box from nowhere and placed it on my mouth. "Those m_th_rf_ck_rs ain't seeing the last of me, them we k _$ p_$_ie$ better hide on their fat momma's a_ho_e?!"

I like this blurry thing. Every time I say a sailor's word, it goes toot toot tooooooot!

"You're a walking SPG rating." Boss frowned.

"At least I don't bathe in disinfectants!" I threw the strangely solid censor away and a cat's pained meow echoed from a distance. I scrambled out of the dumpster, landed on my feet and scratched my short tangled hair.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: Intruder!**

We went home shortly afterwards. Brutus came to fetch us in Boss' fancy-Shmancy limousine (Boss freaked out badly when I sat in his scented Persian cushions and rubbed my dirty face on it). He kept complaining and whining about it but nah. I'm sitting on his property and he can do absolutely nothin' about it.

If Shirley sits, Shirley stays.

I need my benefits.

When we arrived home the first thing I did was to take a good long shower. I smelled like Tarzan, which honestly isn't a bad thing- until flies dropped dead at your feet. As I closed the curtains a feeling of paranoia swept over me. It was night time and the wolves were howling in the right timing, as if they were waiting for the soap suds to blind your eyes. You know the feeling that somebody or rather something is watching you? It made me edgy so I opened the door a little and turned the radio on. I was afraid to wash my face in the basin (there was a large mirror hanging in the wall, a reputable device which Annabelle and Sadako uses to scare shit out of people)

When all this was done in five minutes I jumped into my new trousers and dived into my bed. It was soft and fluffy, unlike the hay pile I used to sleep in.

That awkward moment when your workplace is more comfortable than your home.

Don't get me wrong I was talking about my past experiences on the farm, my first home. Master da Vinci was kind enough to buy me a bed. I never had a chance to use it though. Weirdly it was always covered in soiled underwear and spoiled food. There came a time a snake and a colony of cockroaches slithered out of the festering sheets. Tsk… there were hobos partying on my own bedroom.

I sat on the bed and toyed with the bedside drawer. There was a dainty picture frame sitting on top. I clutched it and looked.

There was a boy and a girl smiling in the picture, holding hands. They were wearing some old fashioned clothing. The boy had snowy hair and the girl's short tresses were blond. I opened the picture frame to further examine the picture. There was some writing on the back that read:

 ** _My childhood sweetheart, the only girl I loved._**

 ** _-Caesar_**

Stupid cheesy shit. RIP to Boss's hopes and dreams. Where's lil Romeo now?! Nah, there he is all grown up and chasing a woman whose tits is larger than her head. Since stupid is forevermore, I threw the picture away and replaced it with my own: A picture of me and Master da Vinci carrying a plaque while the losers cry at our backs.

Champions.

Thud!

There was a loud bump. It was followed by the suspicious sound of someone thrashing and swearing in the bushes. Startled, I accidentally dropped the frame. I kept still.

There was an intruder alright.

I tiptoed to the Fire Door Sign near the cabinet. It said: BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY.

Following the instructions I gathered all the glass in the room, screamed like King Kong and threw them to the floor all at once. Using a roundhouse kick I learned from a pirated Nicolas Cage movie, I smashed the fragile cabinet and grabbed the fire extinguisher. I destroyed the door using the extinguisher and ran out to the thickets yelling like an Indian.

While running I realized that it was noisy and the instructions were stupid.

The stupid fuckboi was still stuck on the bush. I helped him get out. He started to scram without saying thanks. Ungrateful bitch. To teach him a lesson I ran after him and clobbered his back with the red metal. The concealed man fell down.

I lifted the fire extinguisher in the air. I was going to smash his face but I stopped. Something's fishy. I lowered the extinguisher and said in a shocked voice. "Boss is that you?"

"Damn! How did you know it was me?" The intruder responded.

"You're the only person I can think of wearing a mask and a balaclava at the same time…" I responded.

Boss got up. "You almost killed me."

"What's with the Ninja Turtles getup?" I diverted the topic to prevent any hint of dismissal.

"I'm going to Kenshin's castle to steal some valuable information."

"I have another idea." I scratched my chin like Master da Vinci. I pondered in deep thought until an idea emerged. I snapped my fingers in the air, a rare eureka moment. "Give me two hours and a hundred bucks."

Boss reluctantly fished some thick wads of bills from his wallet and handed them over. "This better be worth every cent."

I kissed the ka-ching. "Trust me."

* * *

Boss drove me over to Kenshin's place using his shiny limo. Robbing with class. Boss watched me anxiously as I entered the castle and watched even more anxiously as I returned thirty minutes later with a bag full of wooden dildos. The dildos must be some kind of nature conservation technique to reduce plastic induced pollution.

"That was awfully quick." He raised a sceptical eyebrow. "How did you manage to get pass the guards?"

I laughed. "I bribed them with the magazines I found under your bed!"


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: Evil Plan**

"What's this movable metallic chair?" I poked the contraption. I took out my notes and scribbled details about the device. Surely Master da Vinci will be impressed. The East has some advanced technology. "This must be the vehicles the ancient aliens rode."

"That's a pushcart Shirley." Boss replied with traces of annoyance. " _Normal_ people use it to carry groceries."

"Interesting…" I nodded. This was the first time I saw one. I examined the perfect round wheels and wondered how humans were able to chisel such delicate features. "How come I never saw one before?"

"Because you're _not normal._ " Boss muttered silently to himself.

"What kind of normal?" I asked. "Normal normal? Or Normal, normal or normal?" I scratched my head. I got confused myself. "Normal behaviour? Or normal social? Or just plain normal?"

"For five minutes could you _not_ be yourself, Shirley?" Caesar pulled his white hair in annoyance. "For five minutes!"

I mellowed down. I got scolded. For a few moments the boring, repetitive music of the shop could be heard. Caesar heaved a sigh of relief. He opened a cooking book he brought along and scrolled along the pages. I told him I needed some homemade cookies for my plan. That's why he accompanied me to the grocery store.

I glanced at my watch. Only a minute had passed… _The worst minute of my life!_

Without further ado I grabbed the book from his hand, skipped pages of disgusting, low calorie scum and ripped a random page. "We will cook Table of Contents!"

Martha Stewart will be proud.

"Give me that!" Caesar snatched the cookbook from my hand. "I'm making French macaroons and that's final!"

"But-!"

"No buts young lady!" Caesar snapped.

"Pfft!" I made a whiny teenage sound and face.

After throwing a good tantrum to show my point I observed an Asian woman place her baby on the so called pushcart. I concluded it was a means for transportation. My theory was right and boss was just a stuck up bitch.

I wanted to try it out myself so I sat in the pushcart. "Less talking, more pushing! I addressed to Boss. "Giddiyap!"

"I hope I'll never have a daughter!" Caesar sighed as he held the handle of the pushcart.

"I hope you'll have twelve!" I beamed happily.

* * *

"Go left!" I said. I used my binoculars to find the chemicals section.

Boss pushed the cart as fast as he could. People, particularly the moms were giving us the mean eye. We can hear them whispering "What a bad father!" Or "See what happens to children born out of teenage pregnancy!"

"I have a bad feeling about this…" Boss mumbled as I flung countless acids on the cart.

"With my evil plan and your umm… wallet." I tiptoed (short people problems) and ruffled his hair. The pushcart wobbled. "We'll make a good team."

General Caesar slapped my hand away because it ruined his 'do. "Please stop." He covered his face. "You're embarrassing me."

* * *

"Place that over there."

I nodded with satisfaction after Caesar's men placed a Skittles themed sofa in the left corner. I placed a check mark on my blueprint.

"Take that away!" A voice growled from behind. The men automatically carried the sofa away.

"Trust me Brutus!" I said angrily. "I know what I'm doing!"

"Since when did you become a designer?!" Brutus slapped the blueprint from my hand. The delicate paper fell on the floor. "Also that's LIETENANT Brutus to you, Nerd Scum."

"Nerd Scum also happens to be the Second Court Inventor." I hinted. I stooped down to pick the poor blueprint up.

As I reached for the paper, Brutus intentionally stepped on it. He tore the paper with his boot until it was nothing but a pile of crap like him. "Stop it!" I tried to salvage the precious pieces while holding back my tears. He was being mean to me these past few days.

"Ouch!" I screamed as I felt the sharp heel of his boot trample my right hand.

"You ought to consider your place." Brutus stepped harder. "Woman."

"You sexist asshole! Let go!" Bitter, angry tears streamed down on my face. The pain was getting worst by the minute. Gosh I swear my hand would come off at any moment. It was lookin' like a wrinkled plum. Pain was a real bitch, flooding my brain with distress signals.

In despair I pulled the sleeve of his pants up, exposing his hairy ape leg. I took out a yellow comb from my pocket and ran it over to his Antoinette curls.

He screamed horribly as thick fluffs of green hair came with the comb. This should be included as a self-defence move. Who knew a comb I picked up under a cherry tree would someday save my ass.

This is one deadly comb alright. The East is one scary place.

But damn, it's a fucking comb.

Fuck logic.

"You bitch!" Brutus embraced his bleeding leg.

"What can I say?" I held my bleeding knuckle. "Don't mess with the mechanic!"

* * *

I hid behind a thick red curtain. Everything was set. Brutus finally left me alone after I dished out bitter vengeance. I had to pick up double time for the time wasted.

I carefully told Boss to never consume anything during the meeting. A bad breath is a major turn down. He should just keep blackmailing them until they give in. If all else fails… I'm just lurking in the corners with the comb.

Exactly at 7pm the guests arrived.

At first there was the cliché "You had a new haircut?" or "You bought new clothing?" type of shit. (To be honest, none of them look any different.) Then the two complimented how good he was at baking frilly girly stuff. Wait… this isn't a diabolical plot! This is more like a boring tea party where they sit and eat little cookies and act like freakin' ladies!

I gave Boss an eye signal, reminding him about MY plot. Upon my cue General Caesar showed them the bag full of dildos.

"You stole my mom's dildos?!" Kenshin laughed loudly.

Kenshin's mom's dildos… maybe she named them Buzz and Woody.

Childhood ruined.

"Your mom's…" General Caesar wrinkled his nose. "Augh! Never mind!" Boss took out a cracked tablet underneath the table.

"You're using a Coby Kyros MID7047." Kenshin shuddered in disgust. "Eww. Cheap"

Damn. Rich kid. My cell phone has an antenna but still works the same.

"I have an Ipad." Boss justified. "It's solely for my Clash of Clans."

"Why on earth did you buy two tablets?" Shingen blurted out.

General Caesar proudly tapped the painfully crappy technology. "I use this baby to stream some porno. Viruses are nasty."

Shingen grimaced in disgust. "Damn, I shouldn't have asked…"

"Let's go back to business!" Boss cleared his throat. He made some swapping gestures in his tablet and showed them the video I found underneath Kenshin's bed. She was taking a bath so nobody could stop me.

"It doesn't matter anymore." Shingen grunted. "It's already uploaded in 100 different porn sites. Nobunaga blackmailed me the other day with it. I tried bribing him with my regalia. The bastard took off with it and still uploaded the vid."

I think I'll get along with Nobunaga pretty well.

Boss turned to Kenshin for his last threat. "Well I'm going to spread word that you're a woman and you wouldn't want that, Do you?"

"Uggh." Kenshin made a face "Everyone already knows that. That's like the eighties and shiz."

"Please don't tell me I wasted a hundred bucks on this." General Caesar placed a hand over his masked face. It became his frequent mannerism every time I screwed something up.

"You did." Kenshin said while sipping some oolong tea.

"Shirley, that brilliant plan of yours failed."

I emerged from the curtains like the evil villain I am. "Aha!" I said with bravado. "You fell for my PLAN B."

"Plan B?!" The three of them blurted out. They never had it coming.

"I mixed the desserts with minuscule parasitic eggs!" I snickered underneath my mask.

Kenshin grew pale. "What-" She fell down from her chair and squirmed in pain. Mini Chestbusters swam inside her skin.

"You little bastard!" Shingen held his stomach. "You traitorous westerners! I should have never trusted you!"

"What did you expect after throwing us out in the dumpster?" I hinted darkly.

I took out two tiny bottles from my vest. They were filled with a slimy green fluid. "This is the antidote." I tossed one bottle in the air and caught it with my hand. I playfully flashed the bottle before Shingen and pulled my hand away before he could take it.

I'm so awesome.

"What do you want?" Shingen asked as beads of cold sweat dropped from his forehead.

"Sign this contract." I fished out a pen and contract from a nearby drawer. "Be our allies."

Shingen cast Kenshin a meaningful look. Kenshin nodded. They immediately signed the paper. I gave it to General Caesar. As promised I forked the antidote over.

The Eastern warlords drank it to the single drop.

"Nothing's happening!" Kenshin screamed in despair.

"There's one catch." I wagged a finger. "To make them critters go away, you need to take the antidote in continuous doses. Do a Judas and the treatment stops. Ya got me?"

Kenshin and Shingen scowled in defeat. "You earned our loyalty."

"You're one evil girl." General Caesar chuckled evilly.

"What can I say?" I grinned. "Like boss like employee."


End file.
